A Girl Found Her Name
It has oft been said that names have meaning and power behind them. Often we look at the meaning behind names to catch a glimpse of what we could be. Sometimes these meanings suit us, other times not so much. Many witches (myself included) have chosen new names that have special meaning to us. Kelsarhu (kel-sar-oo) came from the rainbow serpent of rain and fertility. This was not an everyday name to use.
It was quite by happy mistake that I came upon the name Rosa. I had begun playing World of Warcraft with friends from school and wanted to try a new class of character. I chose my first druid and using the random name generator was presented with the name Rosamoong. Now this was far too much of a mouthful to say when on voice chat so Elzpeth leading the way simply shortened it to Rosa. That name rang in my head like nothing I had ever expected. It fit me to the core. As a player, a shape-shifting druid or simply everyday use! At the time I had not intended to choose a female name, it seemed to have chosen me.
I remember it quite vividly that late-October afternoon. By the time that transition had entered my mind, I had already chosen my first name. Now I needed a last name. I called up Mom (S) and told her I was thinking about dressing up as a lady for Halloween. I next jokingly asked what she would think If I wore a dress all of the time. Her voice tone changed, sending chills down my spine. She told me that day that she loved me, but would never accept or condone me doing such a thing. My name choice was clear as I finished my self-portate. I signed my new name. Rose Cummins.
I had already talked openly with Momma (E) about dressing up. She did not understand why I would want to do such a thing, but that was ok. She told me that she would support me first but first asked me if I had fully thought about the journey I was going to embark on. We had talked at length about some of the Queens there in Arkansas and the harassment often faced. We talked about how this would affect both current and future employment. All of her questions were focused on if I truly understood what consequences this would have and if I was ready to face them. It was during these conversations about blending in that I reworked my name to Rose as it seemed to fit better.
It was this vast difference in presentation that had mostly sealed my choice. Mom and Dad had given up so much to raise my Brother, Sisters, and myself. Yet it still made me feel awful that one set of parents told me that this was wrong because God said so and she Just couldn't believe that God would make a mistake. It made me feel better that the other told me it would make my life harder and wanted help to prevent trouble before it started. The selflessness of accepting a child no matter the choices and wanting to simply help them have the best life possible was the person I wanted to be known as.
Tonight, I called up Mom and Dad. Don't ask, Don't tell would not work anymore with upcoming events. I told them both about my decision to move forward with transition. And it hurt. It hurt so much to see their pain. Both afraid of losing another child. I was also saddened. How they both responded was exactly what I had expected, but hoped not to find. Mom again repeated those soul-shattering words I had heard 7 years ago (to the day)
"I love you but..."
"I will not accept or condone what you are doing".
While they have done so much to give me life, it still hurts. I know they are going through just as much pain if not more feeling like someone is taking their son away. I wish there was some magic button that would erase this pain from both sides. Allowing me to say "I am still your child, your daughter" and they to say "We love you as our daughter". Perhaps one day.